How Blockbuster Ruined My Life

As all past & present employees of small video stores, I have a deep hatred towards Blockbuster. There are many reasons for this, one of which is the fact that the location near me DOESNT have the movie Radio Flyer, but the reason Blockbuster ruined my life lies within a tragic day in the year 2000. (Note: "the year 2000" is not said in an echo voice so Conan O'Brien cannot sue me. It is said in a "New York Italian guy who spent 4 months in South Jersey accent". Thank you.)

I rented a movie at the "Big Bad Corporate Chain Store" that I swore to my Clark University friends that I would NEVER rent from. I also promised them I would never shave my legs again because it was society saying we HAD to shave our legs and it wasn't natural. I failed to listen to the new age hippies as many of us do.

I can't remember the name of the movie, but we'll just refer to it as "Bob". I rented Bob from one Blockbuster location and returned it to another Blockbuster location. I believed that since Blockbuster is such a big corporation that they were probably set up with some type of courier service or at least had some homeless guy running movies back and forth from store to store. I guess I was wrong.

A few weeks went by and I got something in the mail saying I had a late charge and it was adding up each day because I never returned Bob. I get a lot of things in the mail saying I have late charges mostly from the electric company, phone company and Dick Cheney, but this one stood out because I knew that Bob was safely returned to his home.

I called Blockbuster and spoke with some pimple faced assistant manager. How do I know his face was full of zits if I was on the phone with him you ask? Believe me...I just knew.

He said that they never received it. I explained to him where I had returned it and how it wasn't the store I originally rented it from...maybe that's why it's missing. He said that I can't return movies to different blockbuster locations and it's probably sitting on their shelf. He called them on the other line and THAT Blockbuster found it and everything was all set. He sighed with frustration and said that he PERSONALLY had to drive over and get it. I apologized and went back to drinking my bottle of scotch. Zit boy went back to yelling at old ladies for putting movies back in the wrong places. Life was back to normal...or so I thought.

A month or so later, I received a notice saying that I never payed Bob's late charges and they were threatening to send my name to a credit collection agency. A Credit Collection Company for a MOVIE LATE FEE!!! Are you frigging kidding me!??

I called Blockbuster and explained what happened and they still counted Bob as being late and told me I had to pay the late fee. I refused, said a few swear words and went back to drinking my bottle of scotch.

They sent my name to a collection agency finally. I could not believe it. Were they for real???? I ended up paying it. Those bastards. They killed my spirit. I never saw Bob again. I became bitter and would stand outside Blockbuster looking in on all the happy people with NO late charges. They were hugging and high fiving zit boy as I stood outside in the freezing cold snow with barely any designer clothes on.

Zit boy got promoted to Manager. Small video stores were going out of business left and right. I lost my job, my wife and my bottle of scotch. I went over that tragic day where I dropped Bob through the slot of the wrong store in my head.

I would have nightmares of Zit boys zits chasing me with a hammer. I had nightmares of MC Hammer chasing Zit boys zits. I had to seek professional help. I had to become a professional call girl. I was forever changed.

All I know is from that point on...I stopped shaving my legs and drank a lot more Scotch.