Don't Touch The Red Button!

A few years back my two sisters and I decided to have a mini sister vacation at The Cape. To give you a little background on my sisters and I, we are really bad at organizing a trip to Dunkin Donuts let alone organizing anything greater than that. Long story short, Robert Downey Jr could've planned a better trip to the Cape from his rehab center. We aren't drunks...we just lack ambition and drive.

We decided that we weren't going to book a hotel and just drive down there one weekend, go to the beach and find somewhere to crash. Sounds like a plan! We all get into the car...Michelle driving....Carri in the passenger seat and me in the back. That is pretty much where the ENTIRE story takes place...is in the car.

After a 2 hour drive we finally arrived at beautiful Cape Cod. Millions of hotels and motels in sight. We were ready to catch some rays and swim in the Atlantic. BUT FIRST, We had to find a hotel. We drove by a few that said No Vacancy. That didn't kill our spirit, we were hunters and it was sort of fun for the first 20 minutes.

After 1 hour without finding a hotel and driving up & down Route 6, my sister Michelle completely stopped talking, listening to us or even looking at my other sister and I. I'm not saying she was moody or anything, but she went completely Hellen Keller on us.

I walked up to about 40 hotels...walking back to the car with my head hung in shame, looking up for a second just to shake my head no. Our stomachs were growling for food. We decided to take a break from hunting and go to a little food stand next to a batting cage. We ate and hit a few balls. All of a sudden Carri runs to the bathroom and she suddenly is sick and something along the way gave her the "trots". We all silently walked back to our car and drove off in hunt for a hotel, comfort and some pride.

We were looking on the outskirts of The Cape at this point and finally we found a hotel in driving distance from the Cape and beaches. We were ecstatic! My sister Michelle at this point started talking again. We walked into the office and saw a man behind the counter that had an uncanny resemblance to Saddam Hussein. If I didn't know better I would say that Saddam has a part time job at the Motel 8 in Wareham or Middleboro, wherever the HELL we were at this point. He handed us a t.v. remote from the back counter and said in a scary Saddam voice "Don't touch the RED BUTTON". (Swear to God - I couldn't make this shit up if you paid me). Was the red button linked to some nuclear device that would blow up an American city or even worse...Greenland! We hurrily left the Middleboro Iraqi headquarters and ran to our rooms.

We entered the room and it looked like Saddam was actually living in this room himself for months. The bathroom had sort of an Iraqi feel to it...dirty, watery and there were some woman slaves living in the bathtub. I don't even think Angelina Jolie would adopt a child from this room. We looked at each other and walked out.

My sisters did not want to confront Saddam and we needed to get our money back. We all agreed to go into the office together and ask. I opened the door and my asshole sisters PUSHED me in and closed the door behind me. I could not believe they did that. So here I am standing face to face with Saddam Hussein asking him for money and handing the remote back assuring him I didn't touch the red button. He didn't say one word. He handed the money back and I ran out. We are homeless once again.

The closest hotel we could find was in Foxboro MA. FOXBORO! Our vacation consisted of staying in a hotel in FOXBORO! It was a huge hotel and it cost a lot especially with the 100 deposit that we had to put down in cash after my credit card was denied at the desk. We almost didn't have enough money to eat dinner.

We woke up the next morning, pissed at the world, trying to laugh about it. When all of a sudden the fire alarm in our room goes off. The phone rings about a second later and my sister Michelle grabs her stuff and says "Screw that...I'm not answering it and takes off with her luggage". My sister Carri answered it and we told them that it just started going off (mind you this is a huge motel with multiple floors and the alarm is ONLY going off in our room). It ended up being a false alarm or whatever.

On our way home we decided to stop at a movie theater and at LEAST catch a movie before we walked into our homes with our heads hung in shame. We saw The Sixth Sense. That was the highlight of Michelle and I's trip. Carri on the other hand got up and went to the bathroom and missed the entire ending where you find out that Bruce Willis is really dead. She walked back to her seat and saw how AMAZED our faces looked and we had to explain the ending to her.

I think that this goes down as the WORST vacation in the world. It was so bizarre and doesn't even sound true. The moral of the story ALWAYS book a hotel in advance. I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I pushed the red button.