Vending Machine Anxiety

Oh, the vending machine...one of life's little treats. Just when you think that you will go without food or drink for a long time because you're at the office or nodding off in an emergency waiting room, you come across a big rectangle machine filled with treats.

Although the potato chips are in smaller bags, the chewing gum is stale and everything seems to be grossly overpriced, everyone seems to be okay with those flaws and just accepts it for what it is. Kind of like what society does with Robert Downey Jr.

With that said, I will go on to tell you about a disorder that I have called Vending Machine Anxiety.

A couple of years ago, I was poor (and by poor, i mean lower middle class). I did not have money for lunch one day so i scraped up some change to get a nice bag of lays potato chips out of my office vending machine. I believe I may have even borrowed a nickel from my boss because unknowingly, due to the economy, vending machine chips went from 50 cents a bag to 55 cents. (Damn you Bush!).

I took my three dimes and 5 nickels down to the VM and excitedly put the money in the coin slot as my belly growled with hunger. I hit the letter B and the numbers 2 and 6 which was vending machine code for LAYS POTATO CHIPS. Anxiously awaiting, I watched the little plastic spirals pushing forward the "chosen" bag. Then....they stopped. The potato chip bag held on for dear life. I shook the machine with all my might while tears began to build up and make my eyes swell. Nothing. That bag wasn't going anywhere.

I was livid. I started to talk out loud at this point and kick the machine. "Stop being a little bitch and go down!" I yelled. Later on, I learned that those same words were used in a court
testimony quoting Kobe Bryant.

I then tried to reason with it. "Please just drop, i'll never yell at you again and I'll always bring some extra money just in case you don't drop with the first round of coins". Still that bag just hung there like...well...a bag that is stuck on a vending machine plastic spiral thing. (What?! I'm out of metaphors.)

That day, my friends, I went without. I had a new understanding and respect for homeless people that can't afford food. And, also midgets (because they can't reach the vending machine buttons).

From that day forward, every time I put coins into a vending machine I have Vending Machine Anxiety. My heart races, I begin to sweat, my chest hurts and on the few occasions after where the tasty treat did not fall again, I shit myself.