Warp Zone

Is it just me or do random, crazy things happen to everyone? Sometimes I wonder if I am really the crazy one and the people around me are normal. It seems as though a lot of the weird things in my life happen and I started to see a pattern, I'm always at Stop & Shop.

When I enter Stop & Shop, I feel like I am entering some sort of warp zone like in Super Mario Brothers. First of all , there is THE ENTRANCE. It's a green gradient pipe that sucks me in and spits me out while making a gulping sound. And don't get me started on all of the Goomba's and Koopa Troopers running rampid. You can't even find a decent mushroom in that place.

One day, I was on a mission to get toilet paper. We hadn't had any in the house for a couple of days, but all of the tissues, paper towels and magazine cut outs of Dick Cheney were used up so I thought...what the hell.

As I left the world of the outdoors with pleasant music flowing through my ears, the tube sucks me in and I am deafened by the more intimidating, anxiety ridden, underground Koji Kondo music. I jump from aisle to aisle trying to avoid falling to my fiery death below in search of Princess Toadstool...aka "Paper-to Wipe-my-stool".

I finally get to the aisle and am faced with the most difficult decision of all. What color? Now I know how Joan Rivers feels at her weekly plastic surgery appointment. (Come on! She is slowly starting to look like Michael Jackson crossed with Cat Woman). So, I finally chose pink. Nothing beats wiping your ass with Barbie pink toilet paper. (that last line was read in the voice of Clint Eastwood in the Heartbreak Ridge era)

As I gathered some coins I found floating above me in an arch, I defeated some of the tricky flying Koopa Troopers (that came out of NO WHERE) to make my way to the registers in the front of the store. I even used one of there shells to slide across the floor wiping out all of the people in the express line! YEAH!

I now have to face King Koopa. It's not really King Koopa, but it is a teenage girl disguised as the King himself. Being the educated plumber that I am, I realize this and know that she is not strong enough to survive my fire balls that I throw at her. We look at each other in the eyes as I anticipate some weird interaction that we are about to have. So far, nothing. I almost got out of there unscathed. But then, she opens her mouth. "Are these toilet paper rolls the same color as the packaging?"

I look at her and say, "I don't know, I just grabbed that kind" (I did know, but was trying to throw her off). She continues to scan them and right before she puts them in the bag she says...."I HAVE TO KNOW". I watch this girl as she tries to see if the pink packaged item contains pink toilet paper. When she can't quite see if it does or not, she unexpectedly rips the packaging until it allows her to sneak a peak at the pink TP waiting there on the inside. Did she seriously just rip open the merchandise that I had just purchased? Before I could do anything, I heard a loud, high pitched noise and fell face forward off the screen. Defeated again.

Sorry, but the princess is in another castle.

:)