Warp Zone

Is it just me or do random, crazy things happen to everyone? Sometimes I wonder if I am really the crazy one and the people around me are normal. It seems as though a lot of the weird things in my life happen and I started to see a pattern, I'm always at Stop & Shop.

When I enter Stop & Shop, I feel like I am entering some sort of warp zone like in Super Mario Brothers. First of all , there is THE ENTRANCE. It's a green gradient pipe that sucks me in and spits me out while making a gulping sound. And don't get me started on all of the Goomba's and Koopa Troopers running rampid. You can't even find a decent mushroom in that place.

One day, I was on a mission to get toilet paper. We hadn't had any in the house for a couple of days, but all of the tissues, paper towels and magazine cut outs of Dick Cheney were used up so I thought...what the hell.

As I left the world of the outdoors with pleasant music flowing through my ears, the tube sucks me in and I am deafened by the more intimidating, anxiety ridden, underground Koji Kondo music. I jump from aisle to aisle trying to avoid falling to my fiery death below in search of Princess Toadstool...aka "Paper-to Wipe-my-stool".

I finally get to the aisle and am faced with the most difficult decision of all. What color? Now I know how Joan Rivers feels at her weekly plastic surgery appointment. (Come on! She is slowly starting to look like Michael Jackson crossed with Cat Woman). So, I finally chose pink. Nothing beats wiping your ass with Barbie pink toilet paper. (that last line was read in the voice of Clint Eastwood in the Heartbreak Ridge era)

As I gathered some coins I found floating above me in an arch, I defeated some of the tricky flying Koopa Troopers (that came out of NO WHERE) to make my way to the registers in the front of the store. I even used one of there shells to slide across the floor wiping out all of the people in the express line! YEAH!

I now have to face King Koopa. It's not really King Koopa, but it is a teenage girl disguised as the King himself. Being the educated plumber that I am, I realize this and know that she is not strong enough to survive my fire balls that I throw at her. We look at each other in the eyes as I anticipate some weird interaction that we are about to have. So far, nothing. I almost got out of there unscathed. But then, she opens her mouth. "Are these toilet paper rolls the same color as the packaging?"

I look at her and say, "I don't know, I just grabbed that kind" (I did know, but was trying to throw her off). She continues to scan them and right before she puts them in the bag she says...."I HAVE TO KNOW". I watch this girl as she tries to see if the pink packaged item contains pink toilet paper. When she can't quite see if it does or not, she unexpectedly rips the packaging until it allows her to sneak a peak at the pink TP waiting there on the inside. Did she seriously just rip open the merchandise that I had just purchased? Before I could do anything, I heard a loud, high pitched noise and fell face forward off the screen. Defeated again.

Sorry, but the princess is in another castle.

:)

I Have a Dunkin Twin

I must have one of those faces that is similar to a lot of other people because I am always being mistaken for people that I don't know. When someone says to me, "you look familiar"...I always respond, "I know, but I'm not her"...and in some cases angerly respond, "I know, but I'm not him".

I frequent the Dunkin Donuts in Grafton. If I don't bring a hot coffee to work, I will stop by Dunkins and get a medium hazelnut iced coffee with cream & sugar. Unless I feel like a big spender, in that case I get a small caramel latte. Unless I feel like a REALLY big spender, and in that case I buy the entire franchise. That last one hasn't happened yet because the last time I checked you have to front $1,000,000 to open one. Anyway, I usually just stick to the iced coffee. (and by the way, I hate when people call it 'ice coffee'.)

I went in there about a month ago and before I could order the man behind the register said, "Large regular?". I replied, "No...a medium hazelnut iced". No big deal...maybe he got me confused with someone else. Whatever. I went in there a couple of days later and he said the same thing...I replied with the same answer and thought it was odd, but not odd enough to mention to anyone.

Maybe a week later, the same thing happened. Frustrated with the redundant interactions, I answered with a hint of confusion by squinting my eyes, looking pensively at him and saying, "no, YOU MORON, an iced hazelnut" to try and get my point across that he is confusing me with someone else. (Ok, I didn't say "you moron", but the rest is true).

I hadn't been back there in awhile, until today. What do you think happened? Yep, you guessed it...."Large regular". Now I don't know what the HELL is going on, but this is not cool. I tried to make heads or tails of it, but I can only come up with a few conclusions:

1. I have a twin in Grafton.

2. I sleep walk and order large coffees around town.

3. I spell zombie the correct way and I am being unjustly punished for it. (the wrong way being of course 'xombie')

4. The guy asks EVERYONE if they want a large coffee and I am just being egocentric.

5. This spanish dunkin donuts worker thinks all whites look the same.

Oh and another thing, this only happens when I have my hair pulled back and my big white Ben Affleck forehead is gleaming at him. MAYBE he thinks I'm Ben Affleck!!!

;)