The Meat Raffle

A long time ago, in a land far away, I went to a meat raffle. I had no idea what a meat raffle even WAS until I attended one at the age of 20 with one of my friends that lived in a "farm-like" town. I grew up in Worcester so the closest thing to a meat raffle was the junkie at the end of the street trying to sell us a slim jim for a sawbuck.

Anyway, I attended this glorious event in hopes that I would win myself some meat. I didn't know if the meat came packaged like in the supermarket or if it was wrapped up like they had just carved it off the cow, but I kept an open mind. Like any other event, it took place in a hall with a bunch of round tables and there were 50 or so people waiting to get their hands on some meat. (A typical Saturday night for most). I'm not a very lucky person so if I win something I make the BIGGEST DEAL out of it. So, I was READY to win me some cow gut!

As the night progressed and my hopes of a nice chicken breast were fading with time, I felt like I wanted to drink more. My friends Dad was sneaking me a beer from time to time (I was going to be 21 in a few months...so it wasn't a big deal) and if I wasn't going to win something...I was at least was going to get tipsy.

The night was nearing it's end and we were down to two packages of meat. I had given up all hope at this point until the man called my raffle ticket number. My chest became overwhelmed with excited emotion....I WON THE CHICKEN...I DID IT!!! I stood straight up...with both arms extended in the air and a bunch of WOOOHOO sounds protruding out of my mouth. What was I waiting for? I had to go up and claim my prize at the front. I sort of danced my way over to the front (still woohoo-ing), arms still extended, slipped on a piece of cardboard and before I could say "holy chicken kabobs"...I fell on my ass. And if it wasn't embarrassing enough, my friends father was yelling "Calm down it's only a chicken."

I picked myself up, brushed myself off...and gracefully claimed my prize. As I walked out of the hall, every SINGLE person that walked by me, looked at me and giggled. But I had something all those gigglers didn't have.....A WHOLE CHICKEN!

It was my first meat raffle and it was my last.

Squad Bombers

When I think of the bomb squad, I think of a bunch of brave guys and gals in suits ready to take on a life full of...well...explosive devices. My thoughts have changed in recent hours. I read an article today on CNN.com that described Ash Wednesday at a church in New Mexico. Apparently, someone put three cd players hidden throughout the pews and blasted porno audio clips with explicit language which occurred during mass. (I wonder if it was before or after people had the ashes all over their foreheads). Guess who showed up at the alter? Yep, the bomb squad! (do they have a professional name?...it sounds like they are super heros or a rap group).

Were the CD players threatening to self destruct? I don't get it! The best part of the story is ....THEY BLEW UP TWO OF THE CD PLAYERS! They kept the third as evidence and to check for DNA or finger prints.

What is the threshold for the bomb squad to take action on a call?

"Um...yeah...hi...uh, I saw a little thing that looks like a lite brite shaped like a cartoon character. Can you come check it out". Obviously, that is one instance...a big instance.

"Hello, there are three radios in a church that are blasting FOUL language....COME QUICK". Obviously another circumstance.

"Come quick Britney Spears is shaving her hair off...the locks were all we had left of her!!" (hmmm...all I hear are crickets after that one). And THAT is a real ticking time bomb if you ask me.

Are there different bomb squad levels??? "Dammit someone called again about a suspicious looking altoid container....send the new guy." or "Chief Bomb Squad Sargent Harry...we just got a call about a device that is ticking on the top of a building in Westminster, London...I think you should check it out, but sir....be careful."

Aw squad bombers....I ain't mad atcha...you DA BOMB.