The Turtle Who Lived in a Factory

At one point in time, several years ago, my sisters and I all didn't work during the day. We also thought since we didn't work that we were rich enough to go to the movies every single Sunday that year. This was a good time in our lives. During the summer they would bring the kids over to my moms house where I was living at the time. We would sit outside in the sun, eat grinders and watch Days of Our Lives almost every day. We always got the same thing....an Italian with no tomatoes.

One day we decided to venture out for one reason or another. I was driving, Carrianne in the front seat and Michelle in the middle of the two car seats in back with the kids. We drove down the street that has Saint Gobain (AKA Norton Company) on either side. If you aren't local, it is a huge smelly factory that we grew up near and most everyone in Worcester knows someone who works there.

So there we were driving, probably bopping around to the new cool song, Say My Name by Destiny's Child. It was a drama free day until we saw something walking across the road at a particularly slow pace. I slowed down and realized it was a poor, helpless turtle in the road...stuck between the two sections of the smelly factory.

Before this event, we had recently pulled over on the highway to let someone who's car broke down use one of our cell phones. We apparently thought we were just amazing, selfless people after this and while still buzzing from our random act of kindness, we vowed for it to be our duty to help out mankind in any way possible way from that point on. I guess on the day we saw the turtle we thought "mankind" would also include cute little animals in danger.

We stopped the car dead in the road and my sister Michelle ran out and got the turtle. We said things like, "don't be scared little turtle" and "we'll get you away from the smelly factory back to a lake where you can swim freely and be a happy little turtle with no worries". We are SUCH good people, aren't we? We always think of others. Our mom was right...we ARE the best kids in the world.

All was well...at first. The turtle was in its shell because the he obviously didn't know we were trying to help him. But he'd be thankful after we got him to Indian Lake. All of a sudden his head started to come out of the shell. He started hissing at Michelle who was holding him. She starts yelling and it starts SNAPPING at her! Her high pitched screaming triggered the kids to start screaming and crying really loudly. The little turtles head was stretching with all of it's might to bite at Michelle's hand. We realized at this point that this turtle....was an asshole.

Finally, she throws the turtle on the floor of my car and it starts crawling under my seat. This little bit of information triggers ME to start screaming because I have flip flops on and I am scared the turtle will "get my feetsies"! So I start yelling, "PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP". Michelle refused. So I pulled the car over to the side of the road which was a couple of streets away from the glorious turtle paradise that we call Indian Lake. We all took a deep breath (kids still balling their eyes out) and lightly chucked the turtle onto the side of the road. We calmed the kids down and drove back to my mom's house.

We thought afterwards that the turtle was probably happy at the factory. We probably dragged it away from it's two headed mommy turtle. We definitely did more bad than good that day.

Long story short...we never helped another turtle again.

I Am Not Embarrassed

I've noticed lately that I have picked up a bad habit. (ok maybe it's not a new habit). I really get a kick out of making people feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. I guess it's because I like to make people laugh and I do it at some poor person's expense, mostly my girlfriends. You would think that my actions would cause ME to be embarrassed, but I think I was born without an embarrass-easily gene. Other people that were born with this deficiency include: Tom Cruise, George W Bush and Cher in her "If I could turn back time" era. I would like to share a few stories that will explain this a little better.

- Almost Getting Shut Off After 1/2 a Beer -
Awhile back, we went to see a band that we like at a bar in Worcester. We got there, ordered a beer and began to celebrate the weekend. I took about 3 sips of my first beer and decided to take a trip to the little girls room. A song started to play that I liked and I came running out of the bathroom and decided it was a "moshing" song. I began to bang into my sister and jump around like a maniac...nothing out of the ordinary. All of a sudden the BOUNCER comes over to me and says that I have to tone it down or leave. OK...what kind of bar kicks someone out after a half of beer. Those people were all bored until I showed up....jeez! The song playing "Endless Love" came to an end and I sat down at a table.

- Dancing in the Winter -
Awhile back, we went out to celebrate my friends twin brother coming in from England. I was extremely tired this night and my girlfriend had to work very early the next day so we both decided it wouldn't be a "late" night. When you mention this to our group of friends...let's just say they don't take it that well and will do EVERYTHING in their power to make you stay out as LONG as possible. One technique they use is just GETTING you another beer after you say you are leaving. Nobody wants to leave a full beer with their name on it!

The last bar that we went to that night was Jeff's to go dancing. I wore my winter coat into the bar b/c I knew I wouldn't be there for a long per my girlfriend and I's aggreement. My friends kept insisting I put it behind the bar, but I didn't trust them because I knew they were trying to make me stay out. I was stubborn. Hmmm...but I also wanted to dance! I had the dancing bug in me once I saw all those "not as good at dancing as me" people on the dance floor. I looked out at my friends on the dance floor and noticed all the other girls dancing with their little shirts/tank tops on. I took a deep breath...zipped up my jacket....put up my hood and cruised out onto the dance floor with my big black bulky coat with the fury hood up. I also had my lame glasses on so I looked like a little, blind eskimo that just got dropped off by the short bus. People must've thought I was nuts because it was hotter than Rosie O'Donnells ass crack in there! I am proud to say even though my friends were embarrassed to dance next to me, I did get home at a reasonable hour that night.

- Softball Banquet at the Crown Plaza -
Our co-ed team rented the CROWN PLAZA to have a softball banquet. I thought it was a little fancy for a softball banquet and it totally was. I've never gone to the Crown Plaza without wearing some sort of dress clothes so I dressed up a bit...skirt and nice shirt. I got there and a lot of people wore jeans. I just thought it was strange because it's really nice there. Anyway, the food was good...conversation was good...but there was a dullness floating in the air. A lot of people left right after dinner. No one was dancing which I absolutely hate. I told my girlfriend if SexyBack by Justin Timberlake was played I would dance despite the empty dance floor. Of course...it came on next. I was all alone on the dance floor whipping my long hair around...dancing behind some guy making him feel really uncomfortable and making his girlfriend REALLY hate me. I went back to my fancy shmancy seat and drifted back into a conversation while many more DANCABLE songs played in the background.

- Random Comment that Embarrassed My Girlfriend -
We were at a party and after I filled up my can of beer with a pitcher of beer that was on the counter, I got the LOOK from my girlfriend. The look that says, "please don't embarrass me tonight in front of people I have to work with". I'm sure others know the look I'm referring to...right? I looked at what I was doing with the pitcher and the can...then stopped. I went back and joined in the conversation. They were all talking about teeth falling out and the tooth fairy. All of them were telling stories about how they've swallowed loose teeth when they were young. I waited until there was a pause and said, "I've swallowed someone elses tooth before". Truthfully I have never swallowed someone elses tooth before, but I didn't have a story about swallowing a tooth. I think at this point my girlfriend was laughing and walking away at the same time.

Honestly, the only person who has the power to embarrass me is my sister, Michelle. If you think I have no shame, she is probably 11 times worse than me. I guess the point of this blog is to tell people that having shame is just....boring.

Now, WHO wants to come dancing with me & my sister?
I'll get my winter coat ready.

:)

George Clooney Day

Yesterday my 5 year old nephew Corey announced that he had school off today because it was George Clooney's birthday. I don't know why he thought this and I don't think he even knows who George Clooney is for that matter, but how the heck did he mistaken Martin Luther King for George Clooney? Did he see a picture of George Clooney and think it was MLK or did he see a picture of MLK and think that he was George Clooney? I need answers!

I decided to research a little bit and find out some more information on George.

1. He is a liberal democrat and is really into saving Darfur, Sudan. 2.5 Million people have been chased out of their homes and have faced the threat of starvation, torture and have been forced to watch Mtv's My Super Sweet 16.

2. He had a pet potbellied pig that passed away last month of natural causes. It was 18 years old and weighed 300lbs!!! The pig was going to guest star on the show Fat Actress, but fortunetly the pig died.

3. He was the voice of the gay dog on South Park. All the dog did was bark...had no english speaking lines. Rumor has it that Jerry Seinfeld turned down this cartoon role because the part had no lines (not that there's anything wrong with that). George Clooney had no problem guest starring by barking into a microphone. This makes him very cool in my book.

But as cool as George Clooney is, January 15, 2007 has nothing to do with him. His birthday is on May 6th.

The End of the World

There are a lot of reasons I think that human existance on this planet is going to end. Besides the fact that strange occurances keep happening like the change in weather patterns, the weird gas smelling funk hovering over Manhatten (wasn't that always there?) and Donald Trump calling Rosie O'Donnell a fatty, I feel like people in general have just completely lost their minds...or maybe it's just me whose lost my mind.

Does anyone else feel like the world is off balance?? It's almost as if Earth had a bad century, said screw it and bought a bottle of Buttershots to drink right from the bottle. I mean sure...Earth has been depressed lately with all the global warming crap and is still upset from My So Called Life getting cancelled in the 90's, but you'd think she would handle it more maturely. Also, the whole Solar System took an emotional head dive when Pluto got kicked out of the club for being gay (I knew the first day I looked at Pluto...I don't know how anyone missed that). It's been a tough couple of decades to say the least.

A list of other oddities that I've come across lately:

1. Santa Claus did not come this year

2. I went outside January 6th with my hair wet and a tank top on to take out the trash and I broke a sweat.

3. People who work at the post office are cruel and unusual, but they have a really good memory.

4. My former landlord keyed into my aparment before we had moved out completely without permission and thought that was ok.

5. Most of the world watched a video of someone being HANGED

6. It really is... 1 plus 1 plus 2 plus 1...not 1 plus 2 plus 1 plus 1

7. Britney Spears made a statement that she now feels more mature

8. My nemesis Tonka went 10 minutes without writing a blog

9. New York is blaming New Jersey for the stench that floated by Manhattan and New Jersey's statement to NYC was "Whoever smelt it delt it!"

10. They think NASA may have accidentally killed life on Mars!

...I don't know how Earth is going to handle this...Mars was her sponsor.