Embarrassing Story

Awhile back...my girlfriend and I went on a long trip to New Jersey. A lot of people would ask, WHY IN GODS NAME...would you travel 4 hours to go to the Garbage state, whooops, I mean Garden State. Well, there is only one word that could answer that question...family. We went to visit my long lost cousins. Driving to New Jersey in itself is just NOT a fun drive. It's a little confusing, not very scenic and very stressful for a 2002 Saturn SL1. Now some may think that the story is over because going to Jersey is embarrassing enough, but it's not over.

(Side Note: Ok...I really don't think New Jersey is that bad. It's just really a fun State to make fun of. Sort of like making fun of Canada for pretending to be a country. It's all in good fun!)

On the way to the big NJ, my eyes started to itch a bit. Yes, I contracted conjunctivitis on the way to New Jersey. I had never had it before and all of a sudden we crossed the border into NJ and I had pink eye. I don't know if the two things have anything to do with each other, but that is a HUGE coincidence if you ask me. We spent the weekend with family that I hadn't seen in a long time...had a great time. Good food....good drink...good games....good times...goodbye.

We packed up the car and headed back home. All of a sudden, I get a belly ache. I ripped my fingers out of my eyes (I was itching and they crusted over my fingers as well as my eye lashes) and started to rub my stomach. I told my girlfriend that we had to stop at the next rest stop because I have to use the bathroom. She finally stopped and we proceeded into the building that consisted of bathrooms, restaurants and a Ms Pacman Arcade Game.

My girlfriend and I ran into the bathroom and it was SOO crowded. It was as if a bus going to Trashyville USA let out. DAMMIT! Why does it have to be crowded?....NOT NOW! A stall opened up and I ran into it, sat down and had the WORST diarrhea of my life. I think it was a reaction to the New Jersey food I had been eating all weekend. I felt better, but was nervous that the smell would linger into the crowded stalls so I decided to do a courteousy flush. It was one of those "automatic" flushers so I really couldn't...so I just proceeded to finish my business and stood up. Why is it not flushing! Why is it not flushing!

OH MY GOD PLEASE GOD FLUSH!

I stood in the stall....praying a little bit, not knowing what to do in a situation like this. Beeds of sweat started pouring down my forehead...stinging my crusty eyes. I sat back down on the toilet and got up again trying to trigger whatever it is that sets off the flush. It still didn't work. I tried to just hang myself from the little coat hook on the back of the door, but the toilet paper was only one ply and kept ripping. I thought at this point my girlfriend would be worried because I had been in there so long. I couldn't stay in there any longer. I had to get out of there without people knowing it was me, wash & dry my hands, then dive into the car head first without looking back.

I walked out of the stall and washed my hands faster than I had ever washed them before. I started to get paranoid and skipped the entire hand drying process. I wiped my hands on my clothes as I was leaving the bathroom. I ran outside...and there my girlfriend was waiting.

"What the hell took you so long?"I went on to explain my tragic tale that would scar me for life . I told her the automatic flusher wasn't working for some reason. She looked at me and said..."Honey, it wasn't an automatic flushing toilet....there was a button on the wall behind the toilet that flushed it!!"

Are you shittin' me?