Embarrassing Story

Awhile back...my girlfriend and I went on a long trip to New Jersey. A lot of people would ask, WHY IN GODS NAME...would you travel 4 hours to go to the Garbage state, whooops, I mean Garden State. Well, there is only one word that could answer that question...family. We went to visit my long lost cousins. Driving to New Jersey in itself is just NOT a fun drive. It's a little confusing, not very scenic and very stressful for a 2002 Saturn SL1. Now some may think that the story is over because going to Jersey is embarrassing enough, but it's not over.

(Side Note: Ok...I really don't think New Jersey is that bad. It's just really a fun State to make fun of. Sort of like making fun of Canada for pretending to be a country. It's all in good fun!)

On the way to the big NJ, my eyes started to itch a bit. Yes, I contracted conjunctivitis on the way to New Jersey. I had never had it before and all of a sudden we crossed the border into NJ and I had pink eye. I don't know if the two things have anything to do with each other, but that is a HUGE coincidence if you ask me. We spent the weekend with family that I hadn't seen in a long time...had a great time. Good food....good drink...good games....good times...goodbye.

We packed up the car and headed back home. All of a sudden, I get a belly ache. I ripped my fingers out of my eyes (I was itching and they crusted over my fingers as well as my eye lashes) and started to rub my stomach. I told my girlfriend that we had to stop at the next rest stop because I have to use the bathroom. She finally stopped and we proceeded into the building that consisted of bathrooms, restaurants and a Ms Pacman Arcade Game.

My girlfriend and I ran into the bathroom and it was SOO crowded. It was as if a bus going to Trashyville USA let out. DAMMIT! Why does it have to be crowded?....NOT NOW! A stall opened up and I ran into it, sat down and had the WORST diarrhea of my life. I think it was a reaction to the New Jersey food I had been eating all weekend. I felt better, but was nervous that the smell would linger into the crowded stalls so I decided to do a courteousy flush. It was one of those "automatic" flushers so I really couldn't...so I just proceeded to finish my business and stood up. Why is it not flushing! Why is it not flushing!

OH MY GOD PLEASE GOD FLUSH!

I stood in the stall....praying a little bit, not knowing what to do in a situation like this. Beeds of sweat started pouring down my forehead...stinging my crusty eyes. I sat back down on the toilet and got up again trying to trigger whatever it is that sets off the flush. It still didn't work. I tried to just hang myself from the little coat hook on the back of the door, but the toilet paper was only one ply and kept ripping. I thought at this point my girlfriend would be worried because I had been in there so long. I couldn't stay in there any longer. I had to get out of there without people knowing it was me, wash & dry my hands, then dive into the car head first without looking back.

I walked out of the stall and washed my hands faster than I had ever washed them before. I started to get paranoid and skipped the entire hand drying process. I wiped my hands on my clothes as I was leaving the bathroom. I ran outside...and there my girlfriend was waiting.

"What the hell took you so long?"I went on to explain my tragic tale that would scar me for life . I told her the automatic flusher wasn't working for some reason. She looked at me and said..."Honey, it wasn't an automatic flushing toilet....there was a button on the wall behind the toilet that flushed it!!"

Are you shittin' me?

Blade.

Yesterday I went to the mailbox to get the mail. I noticed an envelope addressed to my girlfriend from a prison. There was a stamp on the back of the envelope that stated it was a letter from an inmate. It also said if you didn't want to receive this letter you could call a number to stop any mail from this person. "What the hell is this!", I thought to myself.

My girlfriend was at work and I wanted to read this letter SO badly to find out why someone from prison was writing to her. Did she know someone in prison? Was it a joke? I called her at work and she couldn't come to the phone. Dammit!

So there I waited...just me and the envelope. We stared each other down as if we were going to have an old Mexican showdown. I gave it the "hairy eyeball" and it gave me the "evil eye". Hate poured from my veins as I watched it just lying there, unopened, unable to feel anything. You could cut the tension with a knife...or better yet, an envelope opener. We watched each others every move and then we watched a movie. (what? it was my day off!)

FINALLY, she called and said that I could open it. I grabbed the envelope. There was a struggle, but I finally ripped it open and read the letter to her. Apparently, this inmate who called himself Blade was a Puerto Rican Boxer, 5"7 with a good body and wanted to become friends with her if she "didn't have a man". He said he got our address from a "friend". My girlfriend had gone to court recently for driving with an expired registration so her name and address were in the paper. We suspect this is how Blade got her information that he soon used to capture her in his web of LIES.

His real name wasn't Blade...It was Jose. But to get a nickname like Blade I'm guessing he is in the big house for cutting someone or it was his stage name in some terrible soap opera. Although cutting people or soap opera actors may be a turn on for some people...I don't think it is for my girlfriend. Hmmm...maybe I'll give Blade a call! ;)

Being Poor

My girlfriend and I are what some may call...poor. We both have decent jobs, but we are not good at saving money, we have a lot of debt to pay off and straight people get a 2% average increased income over gays (or is that men over woman). I don't know. The point is, we will have extra money sometimes and other times there will be a 2 day span of time where we have ABSOLUTELY no money. At times like these, checks come in handy.

We've written checks to Stop & Shop before for groceries and other things. But, Stop & Shop decided that we shouldn't write checks to them anymore. They actually suggested that we don't write checks to anyone ever again, but they only had it in their power to stop us from using this form of payment with them.

With this in mind, I want to take you back a few of weeks ago. The world was a better place...K-Fed and Britney were still together, Ed Bradley was not among the dearly departed and gas was 3 cents cheaper. My girlfriend and I wanted snacks, we had no extra money and we didn't get a paycheck until the next day. It was about 8pm (Eastern Snack Attack Time) and we were struggling for ideas on how to get food with no money.

After searching all of our old jacket pockets, dirty jeans and our neighbors trash can, we decided we would take the liberty of writing down on a piece of paper, "We owe you money" otherwise known as writing a check. The only problem was we only had a Stop & Shop card and they didn't allow us to write checks. A lightbulb lit over my head and I said, "Well that Gorettis supermarket isn't a big store...maybe they take personal checks without requiring some sort of fancy shmancy courtesy card". It seemed too good to be true.

We drove out to the store with my gas light on. We only had one shot to go somewhere with the amount of gas I had in my car, so we stuck with the plan...Goretti's or bust! We arrived and walked into the store.

I marched STRAIGHT to the customer service desk and said, "Excuse me, do you take personal checks?". The customer service man said, "uh...uh" (right then I knew I was in trouble)...he continued, "you need a courtesy card". I said, "How do I get one?"

He went on to explain that even if I signed up for one that night...it's after banking hours and they couldn't "check me out". Our hopes and dreams for nachos were crushed. We walked out of the store with our heads hanging low and bumped into someone we knew from our town. Let's just say it's VERY embarrassing walking out of a grocery store with NO groceries and then being asked WHY you are walking out of a store with no groceries by someone you sort of know. It is probably JUST as embarrassing as being a republican or worse...being a republican with a gay lover!

I guess we didn't really need the nachos after all. But at the time, it didn't feel that way. The next day we wrote a song about being poor and recorded it. You can hear the song at this link. There is no video...just audio, but we still put it on youtube.com. Tell me what you think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1lHgMjFC_o

The Biggest Loser

I've hesitated to write about the whole Britney Spears - Kevin Federline break up because, first of all...who cares, second of all EVERYONE and their mother has written crap about them and lastly I haven't thought about Britney Spears since that night we spent together in Cabo, Mexico.

All I have to say is GOOD FOR HER. I mean, he is an idiot. I just don't like him at all. I heard him on a radio show last week promoting his new rap album. All the questions asked to him were answered by (and only by) the following responses: "yup", "nah" and "Britney paid for that". I nearly fell asleep driving. She basically gave up her career for this putz and I am still TRYING to figure out why.

Who is the loser now? He is now being referred to as "Fed-Ex"! (Brilliant!). His cars, motorcycle and money are gone because he signed a pre-nup and basically he gets NOTHING! So that leaves...the kids. He is suing for custody of the kids. Are you serious? Yeah, good luck with that Federline!

I think that on the season finale of the show The Biggest Loser, while America is sitting there in suspense, waiting for the moment that they are told WHO has lost the MOST weight and who will be labelled America's Biggest Loser...they should just bring Kevin Federline out onto the stage. All the "used to be fat" skinny people will all be disappointed at first, but then all agree that he should get awarded that title. Hey...maybe the appearance on the show will earn him some cash for all the child support!

Salvation Army Sucks!

I went to Stop & Shop today and as I was stepping out of my car I heard the sound of the Salvation Army holiday bell in the distance. As I approached the entrance there was an older gentleman in front of me who says to the guy ringing the bell, "Maybe you'd be getting more money if you weren't wearing a Yankees hat!" (it was a winter hat with the yankees logo on the front). He said it rather abruptly and didn't laugh or anything afterwards which leads me to believe he was really mad at the hat. The poor Salvation Army man yelled into the door at the guy, "Sir, I'm wearing it because it's COLD out!".

As I was shopping I was thinking about the old man and how I really couldn't believe he said that. This guy is standing outside in the cold collecting money for the less fortunate and the old guy has to go up and make a smart ass comment like that to him. Usually, I am all for smart ass comments. I even laughed after the old man said it...to myself of course.

I finished shopping, checked out and began to walk out the door. The Salvation Army guy TURNED HIS HAT AROUND so you couldn't see the Yankees logo. I guess he believed the old man about the Yankees hat. I walked back to my car and thought it was bizarre that he turned his hat around. I heard a voice behind me and it was the old man!

He said to me, "they're out early this year, huh?" referring to the Salvation Army guy.

I said, "yeah" as I kept walking to my car.

"It's not even Thanksgiving yet." he added as we both parted in seperate directions towards our cars.

So not only does this guy hate the Yankees...I'm thinking he HATES The Salvation Army. Yes the bell is really annoying and you feel tremendous guilt when you realize you don't have any change on your way out and they say Happy Holidays to you anyway. It's no reason to be bitter though. But I guess it wouldn't be the holiday season if there wasn't some guilt and bitterness in the air.

Go Red Sox!

Cocaine & Dunkin Donuts

I don't know about you, but I think that Dunkin Donuts puts cocaine into their coffee. The reason I think this is because I am specifically addicted to D & D's caffienated beverages. I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, but I don't need evidence...when I have faith.

If you ask me, there is something REALLY shady about Dunkin Donuts. It messes with you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Allow me to explain. Physically, if I don't get my Dunkins coffee...I start to shake uncontrollably, break out in a rash and my head feels like it's stuck in a carpenter's vice. Emotionally, I start to get rageful and end up kicking my cats and hurting small children for looking at me the wrong way. Spiritually, I see dead people.

Eventually, people are going to start opening clinics to help D&D caffiene addicts. All the celebrities will have big media conferences stating that they will be checking themselves into the D&DCA Clinic. Mel Gibson will blame D&D Coffee for making prejudice remarks. Madonna will adopt a D&DCA baby. You'll see advertisments for the D&D patch. I'm telling you...people could make MILLIONS off of this specific addiction. People will start getting mugged walking down the street for the Dunkins coffee they are drinking.

D&DCA Anonymous Meetings would be hosted by Starbucks...My name is Sarah and I'm a Dunkin Donuts Coffee Addict. Dunkins Coffee has taken a hold of my life like no other coffee has. I tried to switch to Green Mountain, but it didn't work. My only hope for a cure is if Starbucks lowers it's prices and we all know that isn't happening any time soon. I'm doomed!

Politics & Playgrounds

If you turned on the television at all last night, you were sure to see something about Senetor Kerry's remarks about how if you don't stay in school you will end up "stuck in Iraq". It is funny how just because he makes this remark...all of society is in an uproar. It made me laugh out loud to see how many people were upset by this and how Bush jumped all over it as if he were Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch.

I mean really, Bush has said some stupid crap in the past. And by past, I mean every day since he's been born up until present day. It's almost as if he was thinking, "Wooohooo it wasn't me who mucked up and said something stupid this time!! woohoo!"." (and I'm sure he said "woohoo" twice). They kept showing Bush running around slapping hands and holding babies. I really think he held a huge conference JUST to be congratulated for not saying something as STUPID as Kerry that day. Aww...his daddy must've been so proud. I even saw a clip of Bush & Cheney performing karaoke to the song, "It wasn't me". Cheney did the parts of Shaggy while Bush busted out with the Ricardo Ducent parts.

All in all, politicians act like little boys playing on the playground. They fight, play dirty and always end up pulling a girls hair that they like (well that's more of a Kennedy thing). They tell on each other...play "war", whine and sing Shaggy songs.

I was watching a comedian the other day and he was saying, "How in the hell could the democrats NOT find someone who could beat Bush!" Seriously...how long has it been since that election and we are all still pissed about it. Well, to all you Bush Administration haters out there....we have about a year and two months left to put up with him.

In summation, the moral of this story is NEVER slip up and call the American troops stupid. If you want to take a shot at Bush, just be direct. Just say "Bush is an idiot!". I promise you...you will get applause and nobody important will be offended! As for the person who came up with that witty quote...it wasn't me!